Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. What is arguable? The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. We are this little team of 2. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. They can work together to work on his father-daughter relationship but if his attitude doesnt change itll be that much harder. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. 1. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. There are many things I love about my husband. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. But you know what? If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. Her free spirit and spontaneity. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. lets_be_honest The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. bittergaymark Also hi BGM. He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. But everyone needs to learn to laugh at themselves if they accidentally trip and spagetti plops on their head, when they are home surrounded by loved ones (and the oppurtunity to change clothing). Older and (hopefully) wiser But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. But in general, I lol at people who spit on the nerdy stuff. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. In the past, every day held exciting discoveries about the one whose ring you now wear on your finger. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. But yes, to all of it. We laughed because the one garden that got me actually excited and interested (the Japanese gardens) was her least favorite and is also my dads favorite type of gardens. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. 2. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. Whats wrong with a daughter that is well-informed by national geographic and knows how to make a fire? He is honest, reliable, and sincere. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. I agree weddings can be stupid . Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. Here are just a couple of typical statements from people in relationships with crazy-making partners: Im really confused. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. . TONS of teenagers are interested in Buffy, Firefly, and (new) Star Trek. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. If youre having problems with your husband because of how he treats you or his parenting style, then you need to handle it with him, not by forming an alliance with your daughter against him. Janet got the love and affection of a parent from the old maid who raised her. Most certainly. Her husband could be one of those people. Does Your Partner Drive You Nuts? The Passive Aggressive Personality Exposure to anything is great for children. Hey, that kind of worked for me. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. Our grandmother let us watch Bambi as a treat and I cried and cried, so my father responded by tricking me into eating venison the next week, and then as soon as I ate it all, telling me it was Bambis mother. Plus, I like Rick Castle. I really think that both your daughter and husband need to learn compromise and I think you are in the very best position to teach this. Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. Stepmothers on Strike: How Can Doing Less Save Your Marriage Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). I realized at a young age that compromise was an important thing in a relationship. Cool! I got the same vibe you did. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. (I remember one long drive when i was little where we ran out of all other cds and they suffered through it for a little while and I was happy as a clam, but eventually they couldnt deal with it anymore). Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. Heck Yes! I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. It cant be. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. I also really enjoyed Measure of Man which was the episode where Datas humanity is put on trial. Yeah, funny thing for me was, my dad put me in basketball, and he was surprisingly non-pushy about it, but he was constantly telling me I needed to be more aggressive. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those. , temperance Where is the suggestion to ask the daughter what she may want to do? When I asked why she didn't say something to him then, she said that they only ever talk about college stuff and the moment never seems to be quite right. Plus he writes strong female characters, which is good for any girl growing up to identify with. Well-said, courtney. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. So the fact that there are things that he likes doing is a good start, and the fact that he wants to do those things with your daughter is excellent. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. My parents listened to Oldies. Its already happening. She played Meribor (spelling.) In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Dont talk negatively about her father. By keeping a few key things in mind, you can make headway in even the toughest situations. painted_lady My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. Our daughter just turned thirteen and she loves Star Trek, Dr. Who, Cat Warriors, fantasy books, theater and acting and swimming. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. This could be something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner or taking turns reading bedtime stories. 1. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. I can well grasp your husbands ongoing eye-rolling and snappish annoyance. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. We didnt have to share the same interests, but it was spending time with each other that mattered. Contact Us. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. But you can help your daughter learn to cope with her feelings and manage her relationship with her father. I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. Heck yeah. FUCK BOARD GAMES. It may take years and years before the pay-off is apparent. Your kid may not always enjoy the activities you make them do, but part of being a parent is helping them develop into a good adult. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. Did I fight with my dad as a teenager? Or its hilarious I have seriously never watched football in my life, so I once got called on to do a touchdown dance. painted_lady The problem is, he's never been able to relate to them and, even when he does talk with them, he causes an argument or upsets them. My dad actually doesnt have a whole lot of interests, and if he does, he doesnt like them enough to pursue them. Camping? I mean, really, isnt that how you build a relationship with anyone? July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. Which I think is terrible and it really upsets me when she says this. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. Required fields are marked *. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. I would call that well-rounded. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. Wendy, this advice could not have been better. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. My husband and I have very different interests, but he does not roll his eyes when I talk about them. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. Most of them are women. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. I was saying thats debatable. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. You just have to learn to ignore that. It took me a long time to get into a relationship; I wanted to find someone. Whatever you do, make sure you stay true to yourself. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. Youre mad at your dad, not at me! haha. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. However, its wife that wrote in. Please dont disparage science fiction/fantasy as not being intelligent or low-brow for children and adults. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! temperance my husband is mean to my daughter Iesha Mulla Iesha is a loving mother of 2 beautiful children. I cried myself to sleep. Great suggestion! Really so good and so true! You will learn from all of them. Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. But since I knew his motivation for liking things was less about me than it was about his own inadequacy, and I didnt actually like him as a person. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. For older adults, taking away their driving privileges can be traumatic and can even cause depression. I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. Its rude for an adult to behave that way towards another adult, and its downright hurtful to do it to your child. Continue with Recommended Cookies. He would watch Full House or something with us. Plus, I gotta say, I dont love ripping into the mom for being Greedy , when it is understandable to want to foster such clearly shared interests with her daughter. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie.